CHOICE vs. REASON.

"Tadbeer se bigdi huyi taqdeer bana le,
Apne pe bharosa hai to ye daanw laga le..."


A popular song of the black and white era stands completely justified in the era that I live in. Bedazzling, colorful and Blinding, Confusing....
The song symbolizes the spirit of risk taking..

A Poem that i read during school-

"If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch and toss,
And lose and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss........
....
And which is more- you'll be a man my son...."


Amazingly similar words by Rudyard Kipling.


RISK is a risky word. If you risk all your earnings in one gamble, the possibilities are just two, either you win to double all your winnings or you lose, to be standing alone with nothing left but your hope, your nerve, and your spirit to build up everything yet again.


But to my fears, it isn't as simple as written. The eulogy of Risk isn't everybody's genre. 


Is it easy to risk all you have, not necessarily monetary, but emotional, mental, spiritual or social?
To risk the ground underneath your feet to learn to spread your wings and fly, you may not cross the horizons on your first flight. The chances are as soon as you spread your wings and jump off a cliff you may fall into the unknown depths.... The ground you had beneath your feet, firm and strong would never be found again. Dire consequences waiting for you. Failure, standing with its arms wide open, the Gorgon Medusa, to engulf you, to devour you. 


Dare devils do not fear the consequences, they say. Well, I do agree. The fear of what may come should have only a limited influence on my decisions. 


But what if you need to risk your conviction?
or,
The belief of society, at large?

Just to find the answers of some rhetorical questions that arise contiguously  out of a bubbling, boiling mind, then the dare devilry in me or you gives up.

A man is not as afraid to lose his money, or a dear one, as he is to lose his belief. To be proved wrong, to be told that all principles you grew up with, were wrong, would it be easy?
This is a risk that no one is ready to take.

But I face the same question, each time I step into something new. Because, I never accept things as they are, I need a reason for everything said and done.
Questions like a swarm of bees keep buzzing in my mind. At each step, I need to choose. One out of the two paths. I have no leads, except  the arguing voices in my mind. One that stands for my whims and the other that seems to be the general right.
Philosophies state, "follow your heart till the end." (Though, I may not kill someone if my heart asks me to do so.;))
That is where logic has to play it's part. It is always CHOICE vs. REASON. 
It is in my hand whether to risk my choice for my reason, or to risk my reason for my choice.
All I have learned throughout my life is,
If you have to fly, you need to shun all support, because all you learn by holding hands, is to totter.


Sriti.

I wish I could be lost for a while.......

Sometimes when I stop and rest for a while, and
      Breathe to inhale the scent of the surroundings,
                                             not just to live....
      Look around to adore the beauty of Life,
                                             not just to gain....
      Feel the happiness behind the smiling faces,
                                             not just to pretend...
      Listen to the rhythm of the gentle breeze,
                                             not just the sounds of rush...
      Adding to the sweetness of living,
                                             not just crib about the tastelessness...
Then, I wish I could be lost for a while...

Loosen the ropes that gagged me for years,
bound me tight to the futile, my fears...
My feet, chained heavily........

The weight, I feel, nothing do I see..
The unseen boundaries, weakening me from within.
How I crave to stand free and run into the realms of solitude..!!
               To embrace the soothing silence, to admire the beauty of it..
               To jump off a cliff, into the depth of the Neptune's world.
               To close my eyes and feel the water swirl..
               To dance with the surf, to lift and curl...
               To lose myself in the dazzling green.
               To sleep with the fragrance, to sleep with sheen.
               To wake up with the first ray of the Sun.
         Feel each beat my heart spends, gift myself the everlasting fun....
               
               To fly into the skies, and play with the clouds,
                      Into the quiets, out of the louds...



How I wish, Life gives me years enough to keep the promise I made..
To live, not to spend the days, she gave......

Half my youth, spent,
No messages, did I send...
My Life, was left to end...
And I ran after the reasons, that were never meant....

This moment I realize,
Why did I never open my eyes?
In the pursuit of Man's God,
I forgot, I was my Lord.
In the quest to learn the Good and Bad,
I lost my Cogitation...
Oh!! It was an agitation.....!!

Good is no where written.
Bad is no one's to teach.

I was blinded by the lies of the priests,
By the ubiquitous God's walking on the streets,

Now I know, I was always free..
The truth will always be,

I was born to be ME...

hinc illae lacrimae... Part 2:

Though it had happened years ago, yet the images were crystal clear......


He sat on the floor and picked up the shards of glass, tightened his fist till the sharp edges cut into his flesh.
This pain relieved him of the pain in his heart. The memory of his past moved further.


   He was sentenced to death and was behind bars. The judge had termed his deed as 'cruel', 'heartless' and 'gruesome' and had declared him mentally sick. But for him the murder was out of passion, out of pure love. Do they not say, "All is fair in Love and War." Still the world never understood him.
   His death sentence was never executed, his imprisonment lasted barely four months. He escaped with one of his prison inmates. Josh Jones, now his boss, his guide and somewhat of a friend.
    Leo was pulled out of his flashback by the doorbell which was ringing continuously further infuriating him.
    He stood up and opened the door.
    A timid man in a corduroy cap greeted him.
"Good morning, Sir!!!!"


Good, what was so good about the morning.. The hot sun blazing out of the dirty blue sky. The rays made Leo uncomfortable.
Leo gave him a brisk nod, and he continued,
 "Josh, I mean Mr. Jones sent me, we need to leave, it's time."
Leo gave another stiff nod, turned around and walked back to his room. The door was left ajar behind him and the courier stood waiting. He went ahead to prepare for another assault.
                                                      .      .      .       .      .       .


  This was what Leo's been doing since his escape from prison. Committing murders for Josh. Kill all those who were harmful for his illegal arms' business. Today, it was an accidental victim. A man who had seen something he was not supposed to and was stupid enough to give evidence against them. It was him who would be set free today.
                                                      .      .      .       .      .       .




Leo reached the residence of Bentley W. Curry. It was what the name plate said. A modest house which was decorated giving an aura of festivities. He did not have to make any efforts to enter as the door was open. The insides were buzzing with people people moving in and out haphazardly. Random greetings were thrown at Leo by random passers-by. Everyone was happy. Leo was irritated. Smiling was ironical for the moment. No one knew, they had a few moments for smiles. Minutes from now they would be grieving at the death of one amongst them. Leo gazed at the decorations and suddenly, it struck him, it was someone's wedding.
            An old memory flashed by, he heard some distant screams reverberating in the atmosphere. Screams of a girl he had known.
            He walked towards the end of the corridor which opened into a field.
            It was beautiful and fragrant. Decorated with beautiful white flowers and a marquee. The guests were seated on either side of an aisle covered with green carpet. At it's end was a priest reciting the vows. A beautiful girl in a lavender wedding gown stood besides his prey, Curry. The man whose death was approaching him.
His Death, who was trapped in the gun that Leo held.
Fidgeting inside, squirming, trying to find his way out, Death was growing restless...


Leo moved his heavy feet towards the end of the aisle, and grabbed the collar of the groom. Around, he sensed, all the guests had stood up. He pointed his gun at the groom's forehead.
Screams of horror were vagabonds.
 Perplexing were the vagaries of situation.


Then two soft hands gripped Leo's arms. He looked upon the beautiful face. The girl was wailing, tears flowing out of her eyes, begging.
But somehow, her words did not reach Leo's ears. All he heard was, those distant screams, which now were clearer and louder. He gave a swift look at the man who was sentenced to death and then looked back at the girl again.
The time had slowed down.
Suddenly, the girl was Edwina, crying out loudly.
Horror had chained Leo's Heart.
He gave another look at the groom, Curry no longer stood there. It was Ted Harrison in his grip, sweating and panting.
Edwina dropped down on his knees and begged for Ted's life.
Suddenly the vengeance was lost and another strong emotion hit him like waves splashing on hard rock, eroding it.
Guilt.
Guilt embraced him for her own.
Leo trembled.
Guilt kicked him.
Leo fell down to the floor.
Guilt slapped him.
He cried like a helpless kid, bursting into tears.
          Everything around stood still, Birds' chirping, wind's gushing had stopped.
Silence Froze.
Leo stood up. Bent to pick up his gun.Nothing moved apart from a few Gasps that escaped from a few mouths.
He put his gun on his own forehead and pulled the trigger. The gunshot broke the ice, and silence prevailed again........................................

hinc illae lacrimae... Part 1 The Story begins...!!

He felt something warm within him... an emotion that did not belong to his heart.. He hated it. It wasn't needed at all. He did not deserve to feel human. But, out of nowhere, the voice within him was rising. After being gagged for years, it was questioning his motives. "Why?" was the question, but the answer was lost.
He walked slowly towards a magnificently carved shelf and picked up a small shield. I had a name inscribed on it.
'Lionel Adams'
That little thing had opened the doors to his long lost past. The past where he had a loving mother, a caring father and a lovely twin sister. Old faces started appearing again.. rising like lifeless ghosts...
Prissy, she was pretty, he remembered. Exactly like me, black eyes, pointed nose, elegant even when she was just eight. She did not live any further., died when they were eight. In the accident, after their annual day, the same day when the shield was won..
Anger swelled up in Leo's heart. He banged the shield with all his might on the glass table. The beautiful piece of furniture from some talented craftsmen shattered into pieces. The was somehow pleasing to his ears. Destruction soothed him.
Mother lost her brains after Prissy died. She thought she killed her own daughter. Couldn't even drive properly. Father worked too much to forget his dead daughter and forgot the ones who lived, his wife and son.... He snatched a photograph from the wall.. It had all the four Adams smiling. He threw it away and it hit the floor, another shattering noise cut across the dead silence.
Leo's thoughts moved further. He was sent to a residential school. That was month's after his sister died and he was happy after a long time. Glad, that he would no longer face his mother's outbursts and his father's absence.
A warm breeze entered the room from an open window but it seemed to freeze before it could reach the cold heart that was counting the number of nails, nailed by time in the the coffin of his dreams and happiness. The warmth outside never entered "The Rosalynd Mansion". It too hated the owner like half the world did.
Inside, Leo's thoughts inched further. After being sent to the boarding Leo turned into a recluse. A "dead man walking", who would not talk, but grunt, who would not smile but snarl, and study like a maniac. Always the topmost in his class. That was his obsession, for the world. But for him, he needed at least some reason to live. He finished school, with no friends. Then came the news of his mother's suicide. He didn't even cry, rather laughed. She was now free. Free of her guilt, her painful life.
Then came college and along came Edwina. A beautiful classmate of his. Leo fell in love with her instantly and his life changed. Her smile made him want to smile. The smell of her hair was a drug and Leo was the addict. He would sit behind her during the lectures and inhale as much of her as he could. During the nights he would dream. Edwina, his wife, he would scribble "Edwina Adams" in various pages of his diary. Look at it and his heart would swell with happiness. He would read it again and again, his dreams moved ahead, leaps and bounds. 
             Mine forever.........Edwina would change my life forever........ 
    Leo topped his class. Edwina came to congratulate him. She shook his hands, and he knew she was his........
         Graduation was over and Edwina was getting married........... 
But he was not the groom.... 
How could that be?? 
She was marrying some freak called TED. 
Some completely undeserving guy. How could he have let that happen?? 
She was his, Leo's Edwina....
He ran and stopped not till the destination was reached.
Panting out of breath, sweating profusely, he arrived at Edwina's place. 
She was dressed up as a bride... As beautiful as beauty herself would be...
Leo held her wrist. Her face was astonished.
          "What are you doing Lionel?? Leave me!!!"
She was screaming. But why?? Leo did not understand.
           "Leave me you jerk!!! Stop pulling me!!"
"Edwina please don't scream love. Come along. We'll get married."
             He pulled her out of the room. Edwina pushed him and let herself free.
             "Have you completely lost it Lionel??"
"I love you Edwina, and i'll keep you happy."
              She pulled him into her room and bolted the door from inside.
               "Keep your voice low, will you? I am getting married today. The house is full of guests. I do not want my wedding spoilt. And everyone at college knew I loved Ted.."
"Please Edwina", he pleaded, "you are my life. That jerk Ted, he doesn't deserve you. I do."
                 "Shut up!! Just keep out of it, It's my life I'm the one who's got to decide!!!!"
Her face showed unmistaken signs of anger.
Leo was impatient.
"You will decide to marry me."
        He pulled her close to him. His grip was strong this time. Her eyes widened with fear.
                  "W..W..Why... Why are you doing this?"
She stammered.
"Because I Love You"
His voice had malice. His voice had decisiveness.
                    "But I don't!! I love Ted and he loves me too. I'll marry him. You never existed for me. You never mattered!!!"
This was too much for him to bear. He released her wrist. She started backing up slowly.
"I don't exist!!"
He let out a fierce snarl,
    "I-DO-NOT-EXIST?"
He emphasized on each word. The malice was gleaming in his eyes.
He pulled down the curtain.
Picked up the rod.
And before Edwina could unbolt the door, she was hit on the head.
Once.. She was screaming in pain..
Twice.. She cried and begged....
Thrice... Blood was oozing, the voices stopped...
He hit again.. and again.. and again..... till the silence gripped the surroundings... and he stood amidst a pool of blood. Edwina was barely recognizable. She would never belong to anyone else......